self defense with Hayden

Don't you just hate it when you're going about your daily lives and suddenly a southern equatorial Guinean nomad samurai warrior comes and tries to give you a noogie? Well do I have a solution for you! I don't have experience with karate, thanks to elders who restrained me from further lessons after the first week for unrealistic reasons such as '' karate chopping every vase, and side wind kicking all the cups of the table" which is totally not true....kinda... ish... maybe... Anyway, lets start with hands. Forget all that duck weave and karate chop mumbo jumbo, just pretend that your imaginary friend Bob, or Fred or Tom or Dexter or Snookums and his dragon are waving nonfat low cholesterol African water buffalo milk yogurt (which you're allergic to) and you're trying to karate chop and windmill punch the yogurt cup out of the million handed dragon. Now, for the feet. Well...just act like there are some mutant slobbering frogs crawling up and down your legs. 
And then for the face. Act like you're putting your nose drops in your eyes (it gives you that macho look as if you know their inner intellectual being) and you will have mastered the technique. And thats all for Self Defense with Hayden.  (P.S the same technique can be used for Kazakhstanian nomads) ( P.P.S i haven't tried it before but i'm pretty sure it works.) (P.P.P.S i have always wanted to try it.) 


--Reporting live from the school room, this is Rachelle. 
Remember (says Hayden), non-fat, low cholesterol, African water buffalo milk yogurt, is your worst enemy!